He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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