I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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