i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
