I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
