So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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