u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
