Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
