his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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