I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize