i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
