Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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