Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
