I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
