My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
