So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
