Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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