A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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