my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
