We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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