Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
