had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
