When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
