I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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