I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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