where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
