Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
