Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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