so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
