so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
