how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
