just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
