I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
