I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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