Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
