Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
