Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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