I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
