so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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