During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
