you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
