Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
