Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
