from now on my penis is your penis
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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