he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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