i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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