you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
