Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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