we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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