Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
