..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize