If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Everything about him screamed your future.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
