I met the friendliest cop last night
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
