I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
