she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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