I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize