The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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