They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
