i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
