Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
