So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
